Ultimate Suicide
Posted by Blog Goblin in Opinion, Tips on April 1, 2012
Photo by Marcin Wichary
Few things frustrate me more than suicide. It’s not the act of killing yourself that bothers me. You want to end it all. I get that. It’s the way that people go about it that drives me mad. Really? You’re gonna overdose on pills? You’re a pansy. That’s not gonna work and I guarantee you will regret it later.
This is your final act on this earth and in this realm of existence. Even if you’ve failed at everything else in life, this should be the one thing you finally get right. This is about you taking control. You couldn’t control your life, but you can control your death. That’s the whole idea. So make it count.
So how are you going to do it? A gun shot to the head sounds pretty fool-proof. In fact, it is the most common method of achieved suicide. Effective but unoriginal. Suicide should never be boring, but do to lack of motivation and creativity, that’s often the case.
Other common methods:
- Drowning: You may be revived and suffer brain damage from oxygen deprivation.
- Poisoning: Ingesting toxic chemicals or drug overdose sounds easy, but you never know how you’re body will respond. Whether you fail or succeed you still look like a pathetic idiot.
- Hanging: So many ways to screw this up—tie the rope wrong, rope not strong enough, person not heavy enough. Screw this up and you’re awarded scarring around the neck and brain damage.
- Jump off a building/cliff: Now we’re getting somewhere. Make sure the fall will kill you and not just break your legs. Also, if you change your mind half way down, that’s gonna suck.
As great as these ideas may sound, they have a much higher percentage of failure than you might think. Did you hear about the guy that tried all of these methods? Yep, he was that desperate on cheating life and breaking away early. He hung a perfect noose over a cliff’s edge, poisoned himself, put a loaded gun to his head, and jumped on the cliff with the rope secured around his neck. He lost balance on the jump causing him to shoot the rope. The rope broke and he plummeted down the cliff, landed in water, survived the fall, and the sudden change in temperature caused him to throw up the poison.
That guy had an extremely unenjoyable experience and now he has to live with the fact that he couldn’t end his life if his life depended on it. What a newb.
The moral of the story is that there are no guarantees. No guarantees in life. No guarantees in death. That’s why you’ve just got to have fun with it. Do something that’s never been done before. This is the one time in your life that you’ve literally got nothing to lose. You can be totally and completely fearless.
Take advantage of this fact. What are some things non-suicidal people are afraid of?
Skydiving? You could go skydiving without a parachute. Redefine the meaning of freefalling. Leave your mark on the earth and go out with a bang all at once.
Bull fighting? You could punch every bull in the face. You’ll be a legend.
Swim with the sharks. Lots of people would love to do this, but they’re too afraid. You could wrestle sharks all day long, and you don’t even need diving gear. If you’re lucky you’ll drown, or get eaten alive.
Join the military or become a bounty hunter. Danger doesn’t exist when you prefer death over life.
Create your own suicide hotline. Then use it to recruit suicidal people to join your underground gladiator tournament. Like UFC but with deadly weapons. It’ll be like a real-life video game!
The possibilities really are endless so get creative with it. Next time I hear about someone killing themselves in a depressing way I’m gonna flip a lid. So do something awesome cuz I’m bored. Oh, and best of luck in your endeavors.
See you on the news!
The Love Virus
Posted by Blog Goblin in Explanation on February 14, 2012
Photo by qisur and quinn.anya (license)
There is a bug floating around, and it’s very contagious. There are ways you can guard against it. Obviously, avoid people who have it, but it’s also important to know how it is contracted in the first place.
What is it?
It’s called the Love Virus. You may hear people saying they have “fallen in love.” This means they have caught the disease.
It is extremely contagious. It’s the first of its kind to be able to spread not only by physical contact in close proximity, but research has shown it to spread quickly even over long distances. It is still unclear how it enters the system, but it usually happens in congruence with one or more of the senses being stimulated. The virus is extremely dangerous as it heads straight for the most vital organs, immediately entering the brain and infecting the heart.
Every time the virus enters a new human being it mutates and that new mutation enters the next host. For this reason, a carrier may not be affected by one mutation of the virus but could be affected by another. When two individuals infect each other with the virus, they are called “soul mates.”
How It Works
The disease starts off as “like.” This is why it is so deceptive and tricky to avoid. Because “like” is a good thing. “Like” looks out for your best interests. “Like” is very simple and easy to manage. “Like” will take a person, strip them of all they’re worth, leave the rest behind, and you end up care-free and a little bit richer. The danger only appears when “like” gets carried away.
It’s okay to like when someone does things for you. It’s okay to like what a person can provide for you. It’s okay to like being around someone who makes you happy.
It is NOT OKAY to like this person as a whole. When you begin to like someone as a whole, you are now accepting their entire person, both good and bad. That is where the flaw appears.
“Like” would never be so stupid and unselfish to accept the bad. Like has common sense, but now you are entering into love and love has no sense at all.
In Love in Three Easy Steps
These are the three stages of infection.
Primary Stage: Infatuation a.k.a Not Love. In stage one of love you will realize immediately that you are in love. You will also know immediately who made you sick because your mind will latch on to their person. You will begin to experience either periodic fluttering in the stomach, chills down the spine, or a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. Everything you see, hear, or do will remind you of the person who infected you. You will also experience delirium and a skewed, exalted perspective of this person. There will be no doubt in your mind. You will know you’ve caught the bug and that you are in love.
Fortunately, you are wrong. You still have the power to stop the virus from spreading in this stage. You are still in like. You really, really like the person. You want the person for yourself.
Then you want them to like you.
Then you want to make them happy.
Then you just want them to be happy.
Then want becomes need, and now you are in stage 2.
Secondary Stage: Stupidity a.k.a. Love. This is where you start to act really dumb. You will begin doing things that are in the other person’s best interest rather than your own. You will actually start giving away your time and money like a complete idiot. Hopefully at this point, the person will take advantage of you and give you a reason to hate them. Otherwise, you are in danger of entering stage 3 from which there is no turning back.
Tertiary Stage: Insanity a.k.a True Love. If you’re reading this and know this is you, I am truly sorry but you’re doomed. However, if you’re not in this boat yet, allow me to explain what it’s like so you know how serious of a disease this can be.
Just how bad can it be? It’s the only illness I know of that can virtually steal your soul. You lose all rationale. Your mind will confuse bad things for good. Nothing the person does at this point will stop you from giving your life away to them. True love doesn’t even have regard for self. It doesn’t care if the love is returned. It’s completely and utterly reckless and stupid. They can manipulate you, belittle you, stomp on you, insult you, smash your heart—your very life force—into tiny pieces. And only then does your brain even become aware of the negative effects of the disease. People call this feeling “lovesickness.” It is the most gut-wrenching, spirit-crushing, mind-deteriorating experience you will ever have. There is no cure for this, no relief. Some have tried remedies such as chocolate or ice cream, but these thing only coat the deep inner sadness you’ll be feeling. Like a hangover, the only cure is time. As alcohol must exit your system, sometimes through vomiting, the love virus must escape from your body as well, usually seeping out through your eye sockets in the form of tears.
I strongly advise you to avoid this virus at all costs.
And use protection.
Love is Stupid
Posted by Blog Goblin in Explanation on January 20, 2012
Photo by DonnaGrayson
Lately, I have been hearing about this weird craze called love. People have been talking about it like it’s some great thing so I did some in-depth research, and I think I have a pretty good understanding of how it works despite the fact that most people have no clue. That’s what this article is about. Just tryin’ to inform you before you do something stupid.
So what is love? Nobody seems to know. Many have ideas about what it is, but no one seems to have a clear definition—except for me. I have formulated a clear definition, and I will lay it out for you dictionary style.
Love: The irrational act of mindlessly disregarding and replacing your own best interests with that of another flawed human being.
This is my scientific definition, and this is why it bewilders me how someone could look at love as a positive virtue. Love is the epitome of stupid. Nothing could be more uninstinctual and harmful to oneself and one’s survival than to consider the wants and needs of other people above your own.
Somewhere in human thinking an error occurs when people start looking at the world holistically and imagining as though helping someone else is just as good as helping yourself. Some even go far enough to consider helping someone else as better than looking out for themselves, and those people are called lovers. They are also called idiots.
What on earth makes you think that any other human being is less messed up than you are? You are not a mind reader, but if you had any sense at all you would know that every person on the planet is a liar.
The only one you can trust is yourself. Obviously. You know without a shadow of a doubt whether or not you enjoy eating chocolate cupcakes. Why in the world would you give your delicious, chocolate cupcake—which you know you would enjoy—to someone else? First of all, giving it away means you won’t have it, and you will be less happy. Duh. Secondly, how do you know if they’re going to appreciate it? You don’t. They may take that chocolate cupcake completely for granted. They may not even like chocolate cupcakes. You just don’t know. You can’t trust anyone.
Sharing is caring? Sharing is retarded, and caring is dumb.
Love Makes the World Go Round
Love does not make the world go round. It makes the world incredibly dysfunctional.
Love always causes conflict because it is shared too openly with too many people, most of which do not deserve it.
Example: Person A loves person B and person C. Person C only loves person A. Person B does not love persons A or C. Person A’s love for person B is rejected and causes hurt for Person A. Person A’s hurt causes person C hurt because person C loves person A. Person C’s hurt causes person A hurt because of person A’s love for person C. Thus, a never-ending cycle of pain is set into motion between two loving people because of one person’s love for someone who doesn’t deserve it.
I understand why someone would want to receive love. Everybody wants to be loved. Being loved means that you get free service and gifts from other people for nothing. That is awesome. Giving love is just the opposite. It makes no logical sense. Only the biggest idiots take that route.
This Pretty Much Sums It Up
Consider this quote from an unknown source:
“Love is stupid, love is blind. It does not think, it does not discern, it is not smart. It is not wise, it is not healthy, it is not easily removed, it holds not an ounce of logic. Love does not delight in good things but throws it away to the undeserving. It always exposes itself, always welcomes insecurity, always ignores harmful possibilities, always puts up with endless garbage. Love never knows when to quit.”
Climate Comparison
Posted by Blog Goblin in Comparison on January 2, 2012
vs. 
Photos by Row17 (license) and freeaussiestock.com
Every type of climate and has its own weather and perks to go along with it. Here’s a side-by-side comparison of two very different climates.
| Cool, Wet | Hot, Dry |
|---|---|
| Dead leaves don’t blow around as much when they’re wet. | Dry, dead leaves are a hassle to clean up, but at least they make a crunching noise when you step on them. |
| Rain keeps things clean. | Dust tornadoes are cool from a distance. |
| Stays fairly cool in the summer | The summer makes winter not seem so bad. |
| Little to no sunburns. | Lots of red for people who like that color. |
| Not many serious fires. | Some people like fire. |
As with anything else, there are always some negatives too.
| Cool, Wet | Hot, Dry |
|---|---|
| Clothes get soaked from rain. | Clothes get soaked from sweat. |
| Have to wear more layers to keep warm. | Can only remove so many layers until you’re naked and still hot. |
| Trees look dead in the winter. | Trees look dead always. |
| Look stupid for wearing shades. | Look stupid for not wearing shades, and your brow hurts from squinting. |
| Can be harder to get a tan. | Skin cancer. |
| Car gets cold and takes a minute to warm up. | Car gets hot and babies die. |
As you can see, it’s pretty even across the board. Personally, I’m not a big fan of the colors red and brown. I’m also not a big fan of torture, but it’s just a matter of preference.
So what’s the deal with water anyway?
Posted by Blog Goblin in Opinion on December 31, 2011
Photo by Frank
71% of Earth’s surface is covered with water.
60% of the human body is made up of water.
95% of Koolaid is watered down.
These are all well-known facts, but what is the significance? What is water and what does it do?
Water is a tasteless, odorless, colorless liquid substance with no nutrients and zero calories to supply energy to the body. You’ll find more nutritional value in your own urine.
In other words, it’s useless. It has no significance. Why is there so much of it? Same reason there’s so much air. It’s filler. We don’t need it. It’s there to take up space, and that’s it.
If it were up to me, I’d get rid of it. All of it.
Imagine a world without water. Imagine if all of those bottles of water people are buying were bottles of beer instead. The world would be a happier place. Or at the very least it would feel a buzz. Besides, no one should ever have to pay for water ever. It’s like paying for air. And let’s get rid of all the oceans too and replace them with gigantic bowling alleys and basketball courts.
I guess that doesn’t sound very practical. I’m not sure where all the water would go. Instead, let’s just freeze the ocean and make it the world’s largest ice rink. That sounds way more fun than drowning.
And instead of free water at restaurants, free root beer. Root beer is infitely more tasty than water. And instead of raining water, how about marshmallows fall from the sky. Marshmallows are also very tasty, and they wouldn’t make everything wet. Instead of rain, we’ll have marshmallows. Instead of hail, we’ll have gumdrops. Instead of snow, we’ll have brand new Ferraris.
Tell me which you would prefer.
Option A: Driving in the rain (in your non-Ferrari), slip’n'sliding all over the road, crashing into every other car and light pole until you skid into oncoming traffic, collide with an 18-wheeler, and die.
Option B: Cruising down a smooth, non-slick road on your motorcycle, taking quick, sharp turns because you can until your tires grip the road so well that you flip off your bike, soar through the warm, dry air, and land on a delicious, pillowy cloud of marshmallow fluff.
Option B just makes sense.
Oh, but you ask, “Hey, how would we wash ourselves without water?” My answer is, “Without wasting your time by using water!”
You know how water makes things cleaner? It doesn’t. It makes things wet. Water doesn’t get rid of dirt. It turns it into mud. Water doesn’t remove filth. It spreads it. When a city gets flooded by a tsunami, people don’t say, “Wow, this city is impeccably clean all of a sudden.” No, what people say is, “Wow, this city just became a nasty pile of crap.” And they’re right.
So I say down with water! Help me spread the word about water polluting our Earth. It is called Earth for a reason. So join me in my campaign to rid the world of this earth-corroding chemical. H2O? I say H2NO.
